


the heaviness in my heart belongs to gravity (and it's been crushing me)

by tardisofcamelot



Category: The Maze Runner (2014), The Maze Runner Series - All Media Types, The Maze Runner Series - James Dashner
Genre: Angst, Death, I Tried, I'm so sorry guys, M/M, Not A Happy Ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-17
Updated: 2015-01-17
Packaged: 2018-03-07 04:32:45
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,600
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3161363
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tardisofcamelot/pseuds/tardisofcamelot
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>i’m only honest when it rains.<br/>if i time it right, the thunder breaks<br/>when i open my mouth.<br/>i want to tell you but i don’t know how.</p><p>or: the four times thomas almost tells newt how he feels, and the one time he finally does</p>
            </blockquote>





	the heaviness in my heart belongs to gravity (and it's been crushing me)

_Thomas was sure he’d known him a long time ago; the boy with fair hair and dark, dark eyes (the color of a specific sweet he couldn’t remember the name of), a striking contrast. The boy, Newt, was all smooth, pale skin and long limbs. Thomas was certain that he’d never forget such a voice, either: deep and almost gravelly at times, with a unique accent._

_The very first time he’d laid his eyes on Newt, a wave of familiarity rushed over him. He didn’t know why. He didn’t know about a lot of things, actually, since he’d arrived in the Glade. When he dreamt, he would get glimpses of Newt. It made him wonder why it was him he dreamt of. The first night Thomas dreamt of Newt, he knew that he was special. He knew they had something special._

_Thomas talked quite a lot, asked many questions, but he was never able to tell Newt how he felt. He could talk to the blond about anything but. It drove Thomas mad how he could never get the words out of his mouth, but every time he missed an opportunity to say so, he just told himself that there was another chance. That maybe it wasn’t the right time to say so. He always thought that they’d have so much more time._

The first time was the morning after Thomas spent a night in the Maze. Right after the Doors opened up, he seeked Newt. When he spotted the blond’s lean frame, he wanted nothing more than to envelop the boy in his embrace, drown in his warmth and breathe in his scent while running his fingers through the mop of blond hair. Perhaps Newt would hug him back just as tightly, and then Thomas would cherish the feel of Newt pressed against him.

Maybe he was getting too attached too quickly. He’d only met the boy two days ago, but he felt as though he could confide his secrets in the boy. His trust in him was overwhelming.

Newt hadn’t really said anything since he came out of the Maze. He had given him glances, however. Newt didn’t _have_ to say anything, it was all in the looks he gave him. The unsaid _how could you be so stupid?_ and _you could have been killed!_ rung through Thomas’s mind.

_I’m so sorry. I was stupid. I care about you a lot. I think I love you. I’m sorry._

Thomas had apologized again and again, and he wanted so badly to spit all of the words out, but he couldn’t. He said he was sorry. He said he was stupid. And then he said he was sorry, again.

But he couldn’t tell Newt the rest.

 

The second time was when they were ‘rescued.’ The remaining boys and Teresa were aboard the aircraft, trying to process what had just happened. They were exhausted. Physically, mentally and emotionally.

As they looked out the window, Thomas saw Newt from the corner of his eye. He stole a quick look at him, and then took his hand. Newt gave him a small smile and it was enough for Thomas.

_We made it. We did it. We’re alive._

His thumb traced patterns on the back of Newt’s hand, and again he felt the strong urge to confess. He wanted to tell Newt just _how much_ he cared for him, and no, it wasn’t just _care._ It was _love._ Thomas knew that by now.

But he didn’t. He _couldn’t._

 

The third time was in the Scorch.

The pale moonlight cast a weak glow upon the ground, the air humid. Newt sat next to him, leaning against a huge rock. “Hey, Tommy,” Newt said.

 _Tommy_ was what Newt called him ever since they were in the Maze, and Thomas appreciated the nickname. He thought of it as a sign that Newt considered him a friend. The name slipped naturally off the other boy’s lips, and it was something personal. No one else called him Tommy. Just Newt.

They conversed in the dark, not really thinking about what they were saying. Thomas was just glad to get his mind off of other things for the meantime. And then they fell into a comfortable silence again.

“Newt?”

Newt hummed in response.

_I’ve liked you for a while now and I'm sure that we knew each other before all this and maybe we were more than friends and I think I love you._

“Do you think we knew each other before this happened?” he asked while gesturing around them.

“Maybe, yeah. I suppose. Why’d you ask, Tommy?” Newt answered, his gaze directed on Thomas now.  The brunet gulped. _Because I think that maybe, just maybe, we were lovers._

“Just wondering, you know.” Thomas replied.

 _Just wondering,_ Thomas thought.  _You go, Thomas._

"Do you think we'll make it out alive? D'you really believe there's a bloody cure?" Newt broke the silence. Thomas didn't know how to answer the question. He didn't know if this was just another trap, didn't know if WICKED was telling the truth. Maybe there was no cure, after all. It hurt to think of it.

"Maybe. It doesn't hurt to hope, right?"

"Right. Good that, Tommy." Newt muttered. He didn't say anything afterwards, and neither did Thomas.

Thomas had wished he did. 

The fourth time was when Newt slipped a small envelope into his hands.

It was after Rat Man had said that Newt wasn't immune, after Thomas's heart broke into hundreds of pieces. Newt had flashed him a forced grin, tried to lighten the situation, but deep inside Thomas knew that Newt was afraid.

Thomas could now see the fear in his eyes as the fair-haired boy cautioned Thomas not to read the envelopee until 'the right time,' whenever it was. 

Newt made him _promise_ , to swear on his life, that he wouldn't dare read the contents of the envelop. 

At that moment he wanted nothing more than to take the boy into his arms, to tell him that it was  _okay_ even if it wasn't, just to give him the slightest bit of comfort before he'd turn into a-- a  _Crank._

Thomas had pocketed the letter without saying much after. 

-

Under the warm glow of the bathroom lights, Thomas stood in front of the mirror, pulling the envelope out of his pocket. He opened up the flap, quickly taking out the slip of paper inside. In a messy scrawl was written:

**KILL ME. IF YOU'VE EVER BEEN MY FRIEND, KILL ME.**

He read the two short sentences over and over, praying to whatever was up there that somehow, the words would change. 

It was only when he looked back at his reflection in the mirror that he realized he'd been crying.

Newt had looked like a  _wreck._ That was the only way Thomas could describe him in that moment.

"Please, Newt, you  _have_ to listen to me. Please. I can bring you with us an-"

" _SHUT UP!_ You're nothing but a  _traitor!_ D'you hear me?" Newt hissed. Thomas tried with all his will to not let the words affect him, because he knew he didn't mean it. Newt would never say something like that and mean it, would he? _  
_

"Newt, please. I can tie you up if that'd make you feel better, just come with us! Please Newt!" Thomas was ready to get on his knees and beg if that meant saving Newt somehow.

 "I hate you Tommy! I hate you so  _much._ I hated every second in the Maze and it was  _all. Your. Fault!_ " Newt lunged after Thomas and pushed him to the ground. 

The blond's words brought him down even more, and he felt like spilling out every single word he's held inside.

Newt snaked his arm down toward the pistol that Thomas was carrying on his hip. He yanked Thomas's arm and forced it up until the end of the pistol was pressed against his forehead.

"I trusted you with the note, Tommy! No one else. Now kill me before I kill you!" 

"Newt..."

"Do it before I turn into one of them!"

"Please, don-"

" _Kill. Me!_ " his voice was harsh and strained and every word felt like it was being torn out from Newt.

And then Newt's eyes cleared, as if he'd gained one last trembling gasp of sanity. "Please, Tommy, Plea-"

Thomas decided right then and there was the time. If not now, when? He couldn't bring himself to say it slowly, his emotions getting the most of him, and instead the words rushed out.

"I love you.  _IloveyouIloveyouIloveyou."_

The expression on Newt's face changed, and Thomas could see one tear making its way down Newt's face, and another, spilling onto Thomas's shirt.

"I love you too, Tommy. I always bloody have, always will, you know? Could never hate you, Tommy." Newt croaked out, and for a moment it felt as if nothing was wrong, just them holding onto each other. Even if just for a second. 

But then the grip on Thomas's hand tightened again, and Newt took in a deep breath.

"Kill me, Tommy. I don't want to end up like them. Please, Tommy, Please. Do this for me."

Newt pressed his lips against Thomas's for a moment, with Thomas pouring as much emotion as he could into it, and then pulled away. 

Thomas always thought they'd have more time to be together, that their first kiss wouldn't be their last kiss. But it just so happened that Thomas never seemed to be lucky.

With his heart falling into a black abyss, Thomas pulled the trigger.

 

**Author's Note:**

> this is my first fic on this site, ever. soooo, uh, i hope it's decent? feedback would be very much appreciated, thank you. i'm completely open to criticism (criticism, not plain bashing) and yep.  
> c:
> 
> {title taken from sleeping at last's ~pluto~ and the summary is taken from sleeping at last's ~neptune.~ as you can see, i love sleeping at last.}


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